Sunday, February 1, 2009

Boo hoo...

So here I am again. Feeling low. I don't know if I feel depressed when I am tired, or sick or if I feel tired and sick when I am depressed. But right now, I feel like I could be okay with not being here. I am not doing anything that well anyway. I suck as a mother. I suck as a friend. I suck as an employee. I just suck.

And I hate listening to myself when I feel this way. I was looking at friends' blogs, postings on facebook and other sources I usually look to in order to feel inspired. What I felt today was dumb. And plain. And ignorant. And uneducated. I don't have anything useful to add to the worldwide conversation.

A friend of mine has this amazing post about the post-Obama world. She talks about being leery of "drinking the kool aid." She has all this information about what she is looking for in a political leader and all this information about how she is not putting all her eggs into one proverbial basket. I haven't written anything particularly insightful like that. I'm just a schlub.

And I have come to the realization that probably, that is all I ever will be. I used to have all these amazing ideas and plans. I used to think I would make a unique mark on the world and that I would do something wonderful to help others. But I'm going to be forty in nine days and I am not even close to doing anything remotely wonderful.

I wish now that I had no aspirations of being anything other than a schlub. I wish I didn't know that there was more than being a schlub. Then I wouldn't be dissatisfied. But I am. I feel like I failed myself and whatever potential I may have had at one time. I just don't have the stuff to make a mark. I'm just another schlub that will fade into anonymity eventually. How long it takes to fade is all we are waiting for now. Another year? Five? Ten? Twenty? Ugh.

The only reason I haven't taken steps to shorten the fade into oblivion is because I have children. I would never do that to them. They need to know that they are special, beautiful, exciting and interesting people who have something to offer. How would they ever believe that if their own mother abandoned them? I couldn't do that to them. So...I continue to schlep after day...knowing that I will never really have it together. They may wind up hating me for my shortcomings. But they will have me to hate. Maybe that is all I am here for. To be eventually hated.

Will I be strong enough to be a target as my children get older and more sophisticated in their ability to make me their target? I'm not (as I'm sure you've guessed) a very secure person. That wouldn't matter in the big scheme of things but I worry that I won't be a good parent because of my insecurity. I really want to be the parent my children need. I don't know if I am up to the task though. I want them to grow up strong and confident. I want them to have a good self-esteem. I want them to know that they are good people. They won't become those self-assured, good people if their mother doesn't provide them with the security that they need. And I can't provide that security if I don't have it to provide, can I?

So am I going to just live to see how much of a failure as a parent I am? I'll see my children go through whatever pain they are to experience because of my shortcomings, and then fade into anonymity?

Boy, I'm in a positive frame of mind tonight, eh? I bet you are just soooo glad that you read this. Just be glad that I didn't go on longer. I whine, but I know when to shut up. I hope. I would write more, but I fear it would interfere with others' privacy. So I will just keep things to myself.

Here are my five things to be grateful for:
1.) I am grateful that no one reads this really... they would see what a whiney baby I am
2.) I am grateful that my kids have a good dad - he'll make up for my shortcomings
3.) I am grateful that I can still see that I have responsibilities...that I won't bail on.
4.) I am grateful that there are breaks in the clouds...sometimes I see more than rain.
5.) I am grateful that there is hope

My bucket list:
1.) I want to let my younger brother know how important he is to me
2.) I want to go to New Zealand
3.) I want to know what God wants of me
4.) I want to take a cooking class
5.) I want my mother-in law and father-in-law to know how much I love them

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