It's been a few days. I'm at work. It's fifteen minutes before five am. Things may start to pick up before too long, so I may not be able to write like I would like, but I am going to try to write some.
I have no motivation these days. I go through this so often I sometimes wonder if I am just not calling it what it is - maybe I am just a lazy s.o.b. I have so many projects that I need to do that just aren't getting done. All I seem to want to do is sleep. I am so undisciplined. How does one who is not disciplined develop this trait? It seems that this is something that cannot be self-taught. If it could, you wouldn't have an issue in the first place, right? So, what do I do?
I'm having trouble writing too. Usually, when I write, the words just fly from my fingers. Tonight (this morning?) though, writing is a painful process of thinking about what I want to write about. The words just don't want to come. So I am writing about the fact that I have nothing to write about. Part of me thinks I should just stop writing if I have nothing to write about, but another part of me is thinking about what I just said about discipline - I am trying to write regularly and be disciplined about it. That hasn't gone perfectly either, but at least I am trying. Maybe if I keep pushing I will accomplish something productive.
I've got to talk about something else kind of embarrassing here too. My weight. Now before you start telling me not to get all caught up in the dieting crazes out there, if you knew me, you'd laugh at that thought. I am sooooo not a follower of the latest trends, dieting or otherwise. But if I want to have a healthy life (I do) I have about 100 pounds to lose. This is not about fitting into a size four either. I have no idea what size losing 100 pounds would make me. I don't really care either. What I care about is the fact that my father is only in his mid sixties and he has already had quadruple bypass surgery, has had two strokes, has diabetes, high blood pressure and as a result of these things he cannot move around as much as he would like.
My problem? I just can't get myself to give up the crappy way I eat. I talk to my kids all the time about how important it is to eat nutritious food in healthy portions. We are not members of the "clean plate club," and we try to offer lots of different vegetables and fruits to eat throughout the day. We talk about water being important, we don't drink soda or sugary drinks and we don't offer junk food for snacks very often. I pack healthy lunches for them to bring to school in spite of their protests, and yes, they DO eat them.
My downfall? Drive-thru and delivery. Sometimes I just don't want to hear complaints so ordering pizza is easier. It comes hot, it IS nutritious (although fatty), and I don't have to do much. Sometimes it's just so much easier to get McDonald's for dinner. Sometimes Daniel is asleep in the car when I pick up Christopher and Allison from the bus...gosh he's heavy to carry...it's just easier to drive through Dunkin Donuts to get a snack in the afternoon. I know. Lazy. Terrible. I hate fighting with them in the grocery store too. "Mommy, can I have ONE piece of candy? Puhleeze?" This keeps me from bringing the troops with me to do the food shopping.
This is not casting me in the best light as a mother or wife. I would love to be the mother and wife who has this huge bounteous table offering the most nutritious and delicious fare possible. I have dreams of being a sometimes vegetarian. I want my children to grow up healthy, strong, and NOT FAT like their mother. But I don't know if I can pull it off. I would also love to be the wife who provides her man with a pleasant meal at the end of a hard day's work. Good food, good conversation, laughter, a listening ear and comraderie. But in all honesty, I am falling severely short with this these days. What does this say about me as a wife and mother?
So what do I do? How do I address this? How do I make myself WANT to make the changes that I need to make in order to create a healthy environment for my family? How do I change our habits so that we are getting the right foods, in the right portions, and not being crabby about it?
And exercise? Where am I going to manage to squeeze in all the time that I am supposed to have to get the children to be out and moving for at least an hour a day? And how do I manage that and manage to impress upon them how important it is to do homework? They need to move and not sit in front of the television or computer for hours at a time, but they also need to get their homework done. My daughter gets too tired to do her homework unless I push her to do it right after school. She gets off the bus, has a snack and then starts on her homework. If it waits until after dinner she is up way too late and not only fights with me about getting it done, but doesn't get enough sleep.
My son Christopher is in kindegarten and they don't really get homework. But I should be working harder with him on learning to read. It has kind of slipped through the cracks lately. I can't let it. He needs to learn to read. I need to be involved. I've been so terrible about it. I need to work out a schedule for all this stuff so I can fit it all in. Someone help me. If you're out there and have suggestions, please, let me in on them.
I have more to say, but it's picking up here at work, so I have to sign off. I'll come back to whine later, I promise. For now though, here's my five things:
1.) I'm grateful that children are forgiving
2.) I'm grateful that my family is relatively healthy
3.) I'm grateful that we are a good portion of the way through winter
4.) I'm grateful that my brother helped me redo my bathroom.
5.) I'm grateful that I am not homeless or unemployed.
My bucket list:
1.) I want to write my children letters letting them know how wonderful I think they really are
2.) I want to find a way to let my husband know how much I love and appreciate him
3.) I want to do something that matters to someone
4.) I want to support an important cause in a significant way
5.) I want to have dinner with all of my good friends