Hey. I'm feeling pretty awful right now. I wasn't until a couple of minutes ago. See, I go through this dance when I write. Or when I prepare to write. That's a more accurate statement. I read my email, visit my facebook account, read my friends' blogs, read blogs that are linked to my friends' blogs, and finally, when I have screwed my courage to the sticking post, I jump in and start to write. Most days I don't know what the topic is going to be until I start writing it. It seems to spin itself out eventually though.
While I was going through my nightly gyrations and rituals to prepare to write, I found myself reading my own feelings. At first I thought, "This is great, I'm not the only one who feels this way. I am not alone." But after a few dozen minutes of poking through people's lives, I began to realize something...I am not special. There is nothing unique about me. It seems that every thought I have had someone else has had before. No matter what spin I try to put on things it seems that there were several others walking down that particular path before me.
So what is the point of me? Why do I exist? If I'm just a replication of everything that is out there already, why bother? I recently bought a new calendar. There are some pretty funny things on this calendar. The theme of the calendar seems to be cynical humor. January's picture is of a half naked guy (you only see from the shoulders up so relax) with a really bad mullet. The caption reads, "Your purpose in life may be only to serve as a warning to others." It seemed really funny when I bought it at the store, but I find myself thinking about that statement. Can you imagine if the only reason you exist is so that others can look at you and go, "Boy, at least I haven't turned out like that guy." Kind of like guests on the Jerry Springer show.
Which brings me to a little side discussion. If you are a friend or family member of mine reading this, please take this to heart. If you EVER ask me to go on Jerry Springer with you, you can assume that I know that our relationship, whatever it may be, is over, and that you are doing something fairly bizarre and red-necked. Which is WHY the relationship is ending. There is absolutely NO WAY that I will go on any show with you to discuss any aspect of our relationship. Just the fact that you are asking me to indicates that our relationship is not what I thought it was and things are over in a very big way.
But I digress. Does my life serve as a warning to others of what not to become? Tonight I feel tired, dumpy and as unattractive as possible. So probably. At one point in my life I was on the way to becoming someone. To being something special. But not anymore. Now I am just a middle aged woman with stretchmarks from several pregnancies, a pudgy middle and more than one chin. An old friend wrote on her blog that she has just recently accepted that she is nobody special. I'm not sure I can accept that I am nobody special either. But I am not particularly special. There is nothing that really stands out about me.
As I say that, part of me says, "Who cares?" Who cares if I am special? I have a husband who loves me - don't look that particular gift horse in the mouth, there are so many who do not have even that. I have a home, I have beautiful children (they get their beauty from their Daddy, trust me), and an awesome dog. I have been to Europe, I have friends and I live in a decent neighborhood. I'm not tremendously ill (anymore) and I am in relatively good health. Why should I care if I am special? I should just appreciate what I have and live my life, right? Right.
But I care. I wanted to set the world on fire. I wanted to make my mark. I wanted to make a difference somehow. But here I am, almost 40, and I haven't done a single thing to make life better for anyone else. I haven't changed anything significantly. I wanted to live a full and exciting life, full of travel to exotic locations, interesting things to do and to make others' lives richer because they knew me. But that isn't happening.
Why not? Because I have to fix my bathroom. My minivan needs to be inspected and my children need to eat. They may have a snow day tomorrow and I am hoping that they will allow the telecommuting to work to happen without too much grumbling. My dog sometimes barfs in his kennel because he refuses to eat what he needs to.
I am not very charismatic either. People don't gravitate toward me. I'm the sort of person you want to be around if you want to be sure that your child is picked up from school on time. If you want to be sure that your five year old is not watching Saw V while away from you, I'm your man (or woman as the case may be). But don't look to me if you are looking for a fun date, someone who has been cliff diving or spelunking. Those things appeal to me, but for one reason or another I have just never been able to fit them in.
Maybe when I am fifty I will go skydiving. But even if I do, who will care? That won't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Is there a single thing that I could do that would matter in the grand scheme of things? Unlikely. If there were, someone more charismatic has probably already beat me to the punch.
Ever hear of that movie, "The Bucket List?" It's a movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman I think. I think the premise of the movie is that they are middle aged men and they have a list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket so to speak. I haven't seen the movie. I want to - it's on my list of things to do before I die, but I haven't made it yet. I think I need a bucket list. But my bucket list wouldn't just be a bunch of random things that I want to try before I croak. My bucket list would be a list of things I would want to do that might help others before I die.
Here's my bucket list:
1.) I want to open my home to someone less fortunate than me.
2.) I want to donate my time to something like Habitat for Humanity or something like that
3.) I want to work in a soup kitchen
4.) I want to give something that is really hard for me personally to give because the person I am giving it to really needs it
5.) I want to learn to want less
That's just a start. I think I will add to my bucket list every post the way I add to my list of things that I am grateful for. I'm going to give you that list and sign off because it's getting late and I need to go to bed.
I am grateful for:
1.) Friends, both old and new. I couldn't get through without them.
2.) That I have enough of the things that I need to survive
3.) That I can type - writing seems to be somehow therepeutic
4.) My children's affection. They are lovable and squishy, even if they don't want their friends to know
5.) Auto detailing - I spilled chicken soup. Enough said.