I am so sore. I can't believe how dumb I have been lately. I have gone against my better judgement and begun to exercise regularly. My husband (I need to start using his name here, Steve) have begun lifting weights on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I walk twice a week with my friend Ellen on Tuesday and Thursday, and I am using my Wii system to do Wii Fit, have a Wii Personal trainer and do Dancing With the Stars for Wii. I have been really sore. I'm trying not to grumble, but I am so out of shape that everything hurts.
It's hard to fight gravity and inertia. It's just so much easier not to work out. But I have to admit that I have a lot more energy than I usually do. I'm sure it's because I have been working out. I can't wait until the weather warms up and I can walk my pooch more regularly again. I want to go hiking. We'll see. He may be too chubby by then to handle it.
Now, this is NOT a new year's resolution or anything. I never make those. I figure that eventually I would always break those resolutions. So, the way I choose to look at this is that I need to keep from being bored. Boredom is my enemy. When I get bored, I get depressed. That is when I start to feel miniscule in the cosmos, to feel that I am insignificant, unimportant and not good enough. My stint last summer in the hospital brought my own mortality home to me. I won't say that it was a life changing event...it wasn't. It should have been, but I don't think, in all honesty, that it was. I still eat crap. I still have not sorted things out with God, I am still angry with people in my past (you know who you are). I have not done a careful inventory of my life and come to any deep epiphanies.
I have just realized that I am fat and life does not last forever. If I don't take care of what I have, I will lose it. Not only that, if I am not a good example, my children will learn terrible habits and I will have failed as a mother. I want them to be better off than I am. I want their lives to be happier, healthier, more in touch with God, closer to being on the right path for them, and more fulfilling. It won't be any of those things if they see me throwing away what God gave me.
Sigh. The whole "like it or not you are an example," thing is wearisome sometimes. But there it is. I created these beings...my children, and since I did I owe it to them to provide them with the best care possible. I have to teach them right from wrong, show them how to achieve their dreams and catch them when they fall trying to achieve those dreams. I don't know if I am up to the task...I think I fall short in so many areas. But that is just too bad. I don't have the luxury of curling up in a ball and throwing my hands up and saying "No mas." I have to get up every day and stare any failures I have made in the face. Like it or not.
But I get to see and share in the successes too. I get to be there to see my son be the lead in his class play (he's Rudolph), and I get to go to parent-teacher conferences and hear that my children are very bright and well behaved. I was told that my daughter could easily skip a grade academically - we just thought that she needs to be with kids her own age for social reasons, so we didn't pursue that idea. I get to see my little guy come out of his shell inch by inch. I get to tuck them in at night and read to them. I get to see them learn to read and write, and to investigate the world around them. It's awesome.
So tonight, it will be easy to write the five things I am grateful for as I sign off. Here they are:
1.) I am grateful for a new year
2.) I am grateful for people that motivate me to work out
3.) I am grateful that I am still fairly healthy
4.) I am grateful that I can take care of myself
5.) I am grateful that my children are so terrific
And now my bucket list:
1.) Before I die, I want to make sure all my family and friends really know that I love them
2.) Before I die, I want to set up accounts for my children to go to school if that is what they want after high school
3.) Before I die, I want to set up a foundation in my son Thomas' memory
4.) Before I die, I want to teach my children to have compassion for those less fortunate
5.) Before I die, I want to figure out my relationship with and to God