Thursday, December 11, 2008

I'm here again. I just finished walking around the mall with my friend Ellen. We both have decided that we need to be more physically active. It's hard to find time during the day to focus on this. Ellen has two children that are close in age to mine. She's running to activities and picking kids up from school just like I am. So we decided together that we would walk twice a week after dinner. Hopefully, combined with the weight lifting that I am doing with my husband on three other nights during the week I will get a tad healthier and avoid the insulin.

Yeah, insulin. My doctor just told me that I am close to being diabetic. I am supposed to get a blood test to find out how close exactly, but my doctor is about an hour from me and I have to fast before I have the test. It's a bit of a pain in the ass to go hungry long enough to get there and have the blood drawn. I have to make sure that I get back in time to get my son on the bus too. I am thinking of going tomorrow, but I am trying to take care of a few things so we can go away for the weekend. I have laundry to do, a dog to bring to a kennel.

Yeah, I know, excuses excuses. Just take the frackin blood test you say. I know. But I really don't want to know if I am diabetic or not. I want the whole damn thing to go away. Once I know then I will feel obligated to do something. And once I feel obligated to do something about it, the less I will want to. I'll be the petulant child stuffing candy bars down my throat to defy those who tell me I shouldn't be doing that. And I so don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear from those who care that I need to exercise more, eat less and more healthy. I know all these things. Telling me will not be a revelatory experience. Show me how to coral my emotions and my immature personality into obeying, then I will respect what you have to say about my health.

The other thing is that I really don't want to be here anyway. I know that is a horrible thing to say, but I don't. I am here because my life does not belong to me. I have responsibilities. I have obligations. One responsibility after another. And I am NOT referring to only my children here. I have a responsibility to my husband, who has stuck with me through thick and thin. Whether I am happy in my life or not, I can't just bail on him. He is a good man. He is a good person. He has been an incredible friend. What kind of friend would I be if I just bailed on him? What would I be leaving him with?

So. It's out there. I'm not happy. I know it, now what? As I think I have said in previous posts, I have no idea what I want, so I cannot figure out what will make me happy. I detest when people constantly whine about being unhappy and refuse to do what they need to in order to be happy. I would be in that position...whining and not doing...if I knew what I wanted. I don't. Believe me, when I know what I want, I jump. Figuring out what I want is always the problem with me. It's exhausting trying to figure that out.

My friend Ellen and I were walking in the mall as I said earlier. She and I have several things in common, one of which is that we both don't want to be in the position of not having something else going on for ourselves besides raising our children. I was telling her how scared I am of not developing as a person, of being only a mom, and not a very good one at that. I was talking to her about how I feel so negative lately and can't really seem to pull myself out of it. It drives me nuts, but there it is. She suggested that I keep a journal of things that I am grateful for. I think I might try it. At this point I am willing to try anything. So here goes:

1.) I am grateful for my children. They make me laugh. They make me angry. They surprise me. They make me feel alive.

2.) I am grateful for the husband I have. He is a warm, kind, strong person. He is funny and sensitive. He is sexy and intelligent.

3.) I love my dog. He is fuzzy and loyal. He licks me constantly - I have no idea why - is he kissing me, cleaning me or tasting me?

4.) I am grateful for my in-laws. They are good people who genuinely care about me and mine.

5.) I am grateful for the fact that I live in New England. I love the change of seasons. I think it is a direct demonstration of God's complexity.

There. That's all for now with the thankful journal. There are things that are not included. As I wrote each one I could feel the other things that I didn't write biting my neck, saying, "What about me?" Some I am saving for another time. Some are just biting at my neck because I am conditioned to think I should feel grateful for them even though I do not.

Something I am trying to be grateful for - the fact that I am frail and human. I am not perfect. My faith, Christianity, says that I shouldn't feel I have to be. We already have someone filling that role thank you very much. But the ways I am shown that I am not perfect really hurt. They are shameful.

I told my nine-year old daughter that she was a selfish, self-centered witch. As soon as it was out of my mouth I couldn't believe I said it. What the hell is wrong with me? First of all, has it EVER been appropriate to make a personal attack to get someone to do something you want them to do? I can't even begin to understand why I said it. I was so angry. I have NEVER spoken to my husband (or anyone else for that matter) the way I spoke to her. Why did I do that?

What makes it worse is that she was sharing with me her aggravation about some classmates and some things they were doing. I happened to think that she did something to provoke them. Based on what she herself said I thought she should perhaps own up to at least some of the wrongdoing. Well, she wanted nothing to do with it. I tried to be the objective listener. Maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself. But I asked her if she wanted my input. She said yes, and then she was kind of rude and condescending to me. It set me off.

Not an excuse mind you. Just an explanation of events that led up to the explosion. I don't even now understand why I reacted that way. But I understand what a nasty horrible thing I said. I did apologize to her for saying the things I said, but that doesn't make up for it in my humble opinion. The damage is already done. I can't take it back.

Do I think she will want to share with me again about something like that? Nope. I probably slammed that door shut. Maybe to never open again. It hurts my heart that I screwed up so royally. It eats at me. What eats at me even more is that she is probably carrying that with her too. How do I make her feel better? How do I make sure that she doesn't really believe what I said in those few stupid seconds? I mean, what your parents say to you means a lot. I abused my power over her. I cannot believe I did it. Oh my God I am soooooooo sorry. But I don't think that being sorry will fix it.

I can't even write anymore I am so upset. If you haven't decided that I am a total ass hat, come back later and maybe I will have posted again. I can't write right now. I am too ashamed.

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