Wednesday, December 17, 2008

An Unfunky Bible Thumper...meh

Here I am again. I feel weird. I am starting a bible study. Not that I am some super Christian or anything. Far from it. I'm not even sure I am Christian at all. But I do want to explore my feelings about God and what he has to say in the Bible. I thought I would invite others into the discussion, maybe get some feedback.

See, I'm messed up about God. Ever since I had and lost my first child (I hate that term...I didn't lose him...I know where he is...he DIED and he is buried in Chelmsford, MA). I feel abandoned by God. I feel as though in my darkest hour he had nothing to say to me. That hurts so bad. Was I not worth bothering with?

Then I get to thinking about other things. Like my parents. God love them (hopefully) but they are truly messed up. I won't get into how and why as I feel that would invade their privacy - trying not to air the dirty laundry and all. Suffice it to say that I grew up feeling like a nuisance to my parents. An obligation. Not a joy. Not really.

Am I transferring my feelings about my parents onto God? If so, where does that leave me and Him? My husband often says that hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. It's when you stop caring altogether that you are in trouble. Anger is still a relationship. So he says to be angry with God if I want to. So, I admit it. I am angry with God. Don't bother telling me that I have no right. I have every right. My emotions belong to me and I will do with them what I please. You don't have to listen or read if you don't want to, but don't try to tell me what to do with my emotions. And don't try to tell me my emotions are wrong. Emotions aren't right or wrong. They just are. So until I am not angry with God anymore, I am.

I have been pretty angry for the last eleven years. I think I have good reason to be. I did everything I possibly could to have a healthy baby. Everything. I feel like what happened was such a dirty trick. To give me such a beautiful baby and then take him back before I even had a chance to really enjoy him. If that isn't reason to be angry, I don't know what is. To spend nine months planning, nine months dreaming only to have it wiped out in a matter of hours. Within ten days it was like he was never even here. He was buried and gone.

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