Sunday, December 7, 2008

So What Exactly Am I Going to Talk About?


Here I am again, as I said I would be. If things aren't too busy here at work I will be able to write. I've been thinking as I took a shower, got ready and drove in to work that I should probably be a bit more focused about how I write. I seem to follow several different threads at once.

I guess I haven't exactly decided the purpose of this blog. I mean, I suppose I could say its a sort of online journal and leave it at that. If that is the case, than I suppose I don't owe it to anyone to have any sort of organization. But if that is all it is, then why not just keep a journal and be done with it? The purpose of a blog, I think, is that others can read it too. Perhaps in reading it they can identify with your experience and you will feel less alone in the world (or they will).

I think that while that is true and I will make an effort to have some train of thought that is intellible here, I make no promises. Why? Because I am hoping that I can write some of the darkness out of myself. This is sort of my poor man's therapy I guess you'd say.

That being the case, I will try not to be too whiny. But I don't promise. My best writing tends to come when I am writing for myself. If you don't like what you are reading, you are free not to read. I promise I won't be insulted. You can even tell me that is why you are no longer reading. That is okay too. But I wouldn't mind it if you told me when what I write touches you in some way, if it does. Because I think I am searching for relevance. If someone tells me that what I said meant something to them or helped them in some way, that is the highest compliment I can receive.

So yes, this blog is a tad narcissistic. I will put that right up front. But I hope it can help others too. So I will try to address a couple of things in an orderly fashion. The other thing I will get right up front is that I tend to think of life and my experiences in relation to quotes from music, movies, books I've read. If this annoys you, I am sorry. All I can say in response is that I am writing for me. Maybe in my life outside of the blog I am more giving, more thoughtful and such, but this is for me. I will not try to annoy, hurt or insult anyone intentionally, but if you are anyways, just know that I am really sorry, but for whatever reasons I have, I felt the need to say whatever I said.

So, with that out of the way, what precisely am I writing about? Well...let's see. I plan to write about a number of things. I thought about that while I was driving. I thought that maybe a stream of consciousness kind of bl0g might be interesting. But then, there are many things that I write about and think about that may not interest you. So I will try to list what I plan to write about. Just remember the first rule: the blog is for me. I hope you enjoy what I write, but I may wander off topic at times.

Here's my list of things that I think I will write about:
1.) My search for meaning - yeah...trite I know, especially when I say it like that, but that's what it boils down to. I often feel like WTF? Why are we here? What specifically is important about my existence? There are many attitudes that I try to adopt while I am riding this piece of rock we call earth, hopefully some of them are useful and have integrity, but why EXACTLY am I here? Aren't there enough people here? Did I really need to exist? If not, why do I? If I did need to exist, then what precisely am I here to do?
2.) My family. Whacky. Beautiful. Flawed. Imperfect. Yeah, like everyone else on the planet, I have a family. Like most people that will really admit the truth, my family is as far from Walton Mountain as you can get. They annoy me. They make me laugh. I cheer for them. Sometimes I want to throttle them. But their mine all mine. And I'm stuck with them. And they're stuck with me. I hope if any of the members of my family read any of what I write, they will understand that I write stuff here out of love and a hope to learn to cope. Perhaps I will add to the family drama (God I hope not...I HATE drama), but hopefully I will add to the richness and they will understand how deeply I love them even though I don't always love their behaviors. Before they have a chance to say anything about my flaws I want them to know that I am fully aware of them. I have many. Too many to list here. But I am still going to bitch about them sometimes.
3.) Issues from the past. I have trouble letting go of stuff. Maybe by writing about it I will learn to let go. I bruise easily, and when I do, I withdraw. Partly to lick my wounds, but mostly because I often don't understand why I'm on the outside again. I often feel like an outsider. Like there was this bright circle of light etched around certain people. These people appear happy, fulfilled and carefree. They seem to have doors opened for them, they win lotteries, get good jobs and take fun vacations. It seems effortless. Which would be fine, I wish them well, but I must say I feel that I was not given the golden key or something. Maybe I was absent the day they handed the golden keys out. And no one will tell me where I sign up for one.
4.) Religion and politics. Yeah. I have views. I don't feel the need to share them everywhere with everyone, but I do have them. Some of the people in my life have heard some of my thoughts, but usually I try to be sensitive to what others might think. I especially try to remember that there are opposing views. But I may not necessarily do that here. I might...but mostly to try to hash it out. If you want to comment about what I say, by all means, do so. Just don't flame me. For those of you who don't know what flaming is, it's when YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS TO INDICATE YOU ARE YELLING. This won't help. It won't change my views either. I can agree to disagree with you...and you are free to disagree with me. I hope you agree with at least SOME of what I say, but if you don't that's okay too. If you hate discussing religion and/or politics, feel free to skip over this stuff and say nothing. I won't tell. I promise.
5.) Stuff my kids or pets do. I love my children and my pets. I wish I could have more of both, but it seems my life is not working out to be a free wheeling, kid full, animal full existence. I have five children as I said in an earlier post, but only three of them have survived me. My first, Thomas, which I am sure I will write about in this blog, died from a congenital heart defect. My last was a miscarriage. Probably because I suffered a catastrophic illness this passed summer and my body was just not ready for a pregnancy. I have been blessed with three children in between these two tragedies. They are smart, beautiful, funny, needy, creative beings. I love them with all my heart and soul and can only hope that I am doing the job I need to as parent well. I will from time to time talk about frustrations I have with them here, doubts, fears, and triumphs that they have. If you are "one of those" who feel that we breeders are idiots for not maintaining a zero population growth, just know that my children are insurance against suicide. That probably sounds harsh, but they are. I love them and would never want them to feel abandoned or rejected. So I have to stay. Maybe while I am staying I will figure out why I am supposed to be here. See? I am really narcisstic. I told you.

So now that I have that list out of the way, what shall we discuss tonight (or today as the case may IS after all, 1:20am)?

One topic that is on my mind is the idea of being able to let go. I don't really know how to you see. I hang on to things F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Want an example? I'll give you one. I had this friend in junior high (I told you that I hold onto things). We were very close. We had a HUGE falling out in high school. We went our separate ways. We kind of reconnected in college. But not really. This friend was going through the whole party-til you puke thing. It wasn't really my scene. But I loved her nonetheless. But she ditched me as a friend. She disappeared and resurfaced in Washington state. She is now married and has two children. She is a writer and an artist. She has a blog of her own. It's pretty cool. Check it out: . I even wrote her a note because I found her on facebook. She wrote me back and said that she sometimes dreams about me. But she did not indicate that she misses me or that she wants to rekindle the friendship. To make matters worse, she's friends...apparently really good friends with a girl (woman now) who was VERY mean to me back in high school. I'm out and this other person is in.

Why is that? Why did she dump me for this other person? I should be over it. But I'm so not. It hurts so much even as I write this. Why does it matter? I don't know. It just does. She is living such a full life. I am happy for her. Her husband is an artist, she writes like she has always wanted to, and I should move on and be happy knowing that she finally found happiness. But I can't seem to. She sits in my heart. I think about her and I want to cry because I miss her. We were very close. I have no idea what would happen if she ever came back into my life. Part of me says to be careful for what you wish for, you might just get it. But my mind keeps going back to her. I don't know if it's because of some unfinished business or if perhaps I still want her to be a part of my life. She is a different person now. She knows almost nothing about me. Doesn't really need to. I think the chapter of her life that included me is closed. But only for her. Am I pathetic or what?

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